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November 18 maybe just another sundayYesterday i felt like the world was falling down. Like I was nothing inside nothing, and the direction was lost.
Then it happens you wake up, and you follow some kind of stream you feel inside: you visit a website looking for nothing and you find something nice; you turn on the tv just to have some company, and you remember it's sunday, and it's been a long time since your last visit to the church.
You go out, again looking for nothing, but you feel your body fresh and young, maybe cause yesterday you were jogging. You look at everything with a different spirit.
You go in the church and you think the problem is what the priest is telling, not what the Gospel or the Bible is telling... the priest speaks about a family and tells you must feel yourself inside this family, inside the church-family. Well I'm thinking I don't feel inside a family, I feel pretty alone. I feel good like that. I don't need to be a part of something, or I prefer to think I don't need it.
The part of the Gospel they are reading, tells about a vineyard. Jesus is the vineyard and we are the the branches. And it says it doesn't matter what we do, if we are not a part of the vineyard, we won't reach any result. We will just be dead branches, good for some fireplace, to warm up the others for a while. Then Jesus also tells we didn't choose him, but He chose us. Like He needs us for something, even if it seems exactly the opposite.
Well, it's incredible how true is it: I feel without a direction, like I'm going far from something. But sometimes in the morning, I feel like a powerful entity is trying to tell me something, in a strange way made of coincidences, made of everyday good and bad feelings, made of self communication with your mind and your body.
I don't know if God needs me somehow, and I don't know if I need God. But if I had to make a choice, I would prefer the first option.
It's good to think you are a part of something bigger than you. It's just bad to think you are nothing but that.
Lila October 22 suddenhappyit happens..everything is so exhausting and drained but ooops out of the blue u feel happy..endlessly happy..is it a sign of mad ness? October 03 needlessI like when you express yourself with these kind of cryptic messages.
I'd like to give you as gift one of my favourite quote: "the things you own, end up owning you".
So: be careful with mice, with cages, with classic music even... be careful with everything you have around and you don't feel appropiated for you. Just trust yourself, and what you feel is naturally beside you.
At least. that's my phylosophy lately...
Do you think one person can be at the same time careless about everybody, and with deep feelings just about himself and everything connected?
Can we be needless toward the others? October 01 heClassic music is not a bad thing.....Life inside a hole cage is also not too bad when you are more than 30... Are u afraid of mice? September 20 handle with careI know this time I've been silent, and believe me I'm sorry, cause I really needed to write you. Fact is that often when I need something or somebody, I do everything is possible to get far from that. It's a kind of defence, I guess, which pushes me to dodge everything I need, including food, friends, loves... I don't know why, sometimes my only wish is to be needless.
Last week has been tough. I made a choice, cause I felt it was the right time to do it. You know choices, when you have to make an important one, you never know weather it will be the best for you. Usually I don't like to think much when I make a choice. Thinking make me sick. And all in all, if you can never be sure of the result, why the hell you should think so much ?
So now I'm getting used of the new situation... it's not simple, but I'm concerned and I want to make it.
I don't give you further details, cause you don't need them, and after all our communication goes on a higher level, and I don't want to push it on the everyday-ground-life ;)
Next week I'll be at home anyway, so if you feel like, we can chat. Or if you feel like, we can talk, if sometimes you are at home.
LiLa September 16 phoenixSorry for silence. There are moments when you want just to be invisible. I do not know why it happened to me. Or probably I do know. I told you that for long long years I lived in a kind of my world where everything was mine and life consisted of separated episodes not even connected to each other. Suddenly it turned into one long routine with a very tense schedule… I am not free anymore. Every second I think of something stupid. I can’t escape even when I have spare time. But the most terrible thing is that I am bad at... At a lot of stuff. I had a new job and somehow I was sure I would be a brilliant worker… Hehe.. But actually I forgot how to communicate to people when there a lot of them simultaneously and when they are teenagers. So, I am turning into a witch. They are starting to hate me. It kills me since it was not my intention. Anyway, your msgs touched me, and I am very grateful you are always near. I don’t know how to express it but I want u to know that I’ll also be around even sometimes I’m getting invisible tat September 13 looking for uTat,
where are u dear? Gimme a light in the dark, even a small one, to catch u up and walk together...
I don't know the way either, but hand in hand, we won't fall... hand in hand, we will be safe.
LiLa September 05 con-fusionDear, LiLa September 02 My dear
Yesterday when everybody slept I came out to the balcony. It was almost physical happiness – I just looked at the sky, at the clouds that is a big rarity here … this feeling just grew and grew and I almost cried. I always want to cry especially when I read Salinger at night. There are some ridiculous thoughts – I suddenly wanted to live in the basket… I am so happy when nobody controls me… You know recently something went wrong. I mean my family life. I can’t explain it and (may be0 I don’t want… I know it’s unfair to tell u about such stuff… but sometimes I think I’ll … don’t know…. August 31 forever never happens... so...I read a piece of novel I thought you might like it, so I try a bad translation of the translation (it's Goethe, from German into Italian, into bad English):
"by chance, is everything we do, done forever? Don't we get dressed every morning to undress at night? Don't we start a travel, to come back one day? I wonder why we shouldn't desire to stay beside people we love, even for just one century"
the girl, talks about the opportunity to be buried beside somebody even if not forever. But in her heart (and in the authors mind) it's clear a desire which can't be fullfilled probably for the whole life, but maybe, just for a while.
Problem is: is better deep sadnass after a strong good feeling, or the constant desire for something which will never be?
I'm jelaus of your teens... i thought they were KIDS! ;)
LiLa August 30 and againI told U I was starting to work with high school teens. That’s strange. Suddenly, out of the blue, dozens of new people appeared in my life and filled me with their emotions … I forgot what it means to work in the middle of the crowd since all my life (apart from working with mentally disabled people for 2 month) I stayed alone at work. Nobody expected me to play any roles. Now I have to. The very big plus is that I can lose my identification of a moody girl-dude and know that I have the right to do it. Job demands, haha… August 20 add pictures to a blog entry- go to our online photoalbum: http://photobucket.com - log in with username lilatat and password the same that we use here in msn ;) - there, you just have to upload the pictures you want to use on the blog - when you upload a picture, you will see under the pict the html code ready to copy and past in the blog, just copy that code (something like: <img ...... >; - open a blog entry, push the buttom "HTML", it's the last on the right, near the smiling face; - no you are able to write HTML code directly in the entry, so PASTE here the code for the picture; - push again HTML to come back to "simple" editing, you should see the picture inside the entry, and be able to modify it also (make it bigger/smaller and move it...) - add text, before or after the picture... and publish the entry ;) Gook luck ! LiLa It’s not even a depression…It’s not even a depression… since there is a kind of pleasant crumbs of self-masochism in there that gives you (sometimes) not bad ideas… what I feel is tiredness ..plain and even not fatal …it reminds me a nightmare fairy tale – everything I touch now turns to routine… I am writing …(it seemed to me that I had a right plot) but it appears to be a shit…I am trying to bring up my child and myself but I do so many stupid things that I look even worse than countless mums that sit in front of my house on benches… The belief in the sparkle, a kind of stuff that will make me
“druggie" for a while and “broaden the consciousness” without any
serious consequences for my “normal mom/wife/ citizen image” is
weakening… sorry for the absence of good and right words for you..they
will come in time..may be. Tat to my dear IT blondy ;)Tat, LiLa August 18 summer night lonelinessI like night. Especially summer nights. It's because of the color. because of the smell. there is a special magic ingredient in the night, and you can just feel it when you are alone. in the dark. in the silence. don't u miss being alone? i do. i do, even without a person next to me. lately, i'm not alone anymore. i'm just without nobody. there's a big difference, you know.... when you are alone, you can feel the others. the loneliness of the people around, which can be shared. when you are just with nobody, you don't feel anything, cause you want to break the magic night silence. ... i can't help it. i can't manage to feel alone.not anymore. or at lease, not ad often as it has been in the past. LiLa August 13 an old idea... ab better future....I might have somewhere still that e-mail, with the crazy idea of something written by both of us. How many years passed.... how many things... but today I'm not in the mood of being nostalgic... you know what? I was going to the beach, driving my car and thinking to the things I don't like. I've wondered what I would change in my life, to be more content, but I couldn't find an answer... there was a time when I wanted to come back and live again the past. Now, not even that. So my decision: I'd like to have a better future, at least. I'd like to do things I've never done... maybe I will start with what I told you yesterday, who knows... ;)) No more cries. I'm tired of my dry tears. I'm tired of myself, at least of what I became... LiLa Talking about this could be a beginningI’ve just thought about time, place and age… if this idea was born 8 years ago, I would have believed in angels -) now I’m okay but this okay is rather confused… the head is empty..no, it’s not empty it’s even worse – it is full with rubbish and worries. I hate worries…. Oh… it can outline the first question of this strange place – why people do wrong things knowing they are wrong… I am starting to solve the Bible riddles.. about the people who saw G-d but did not believe him till the end…
So, where am I? to put honestly, I ‘ve always dreamed about a blog, but somehow it did not happen till your coming.
The only pleasant news for today as the rest of it was wasted on the cleaning of my den.. the result is not inspiring-(
Tat August 12 this could be a beginningok, this could be a start... just to make practise... when u become expert, we start...  we can make albums with pictures (gosh, not ours... or at least let's use the old ones  )we can write, choose 2 different style, colors, categories... other ideas are welcome dear! |
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